the birthday

dear diary
i’m turning 21 today
i’ll grow out of it
i won’t hold my breath this year
cause you know this will probably be my last birthday
and i won’t cry in the bathroom til its 12 am

i stay in my parents’ house
before i turn 21 that day
my mom and i
we chat and leave the tv on
as usual, the conversation goes too far
we still talk and stay up until 12 am

don’t know what i’m expecting for
couldn’t tell what i’m looking for
i got tired of things i can’t control
then i stop asking for more
couldn’t take this anymore
i felt bad saying things i really meant

i hold my lifeline like a bottle of beer
their voice is too loud, i couldn’t hear
fall out of line when i couldn’t bear this

i’m afraid i’ll lose all my senses
suffer from existence crisis
couldn’t help but be impulsive

then i’ll tell my parents i’m gonna quit
and leave college without any plan
wondering what will that makes me then?

but i waking up on the wrong side of bed
cover up the voice in my head
couldn’t tell what might happen next

i grow up feeling smaller
maybe i’m just bad at coping